When your feelings are at a 10/10, which they often are with ADHD, some emotion regulation strategies can feel so invalidating. Because what do you mean you want me to simply ~*mOvE My bOdY*~ when MY BRAIN AND BODY ARE EXPLODING BY HOW UPSET I AM!

So, please know that I know how frustrating and unhelpful they can feel sometimes. But I’m compelled to share anyway because more often than not, they do help, even if it’s just a little bit.

That said, “a little bit” can also be frustrating because when we’re overcome with emotion, we want to feel a lot better, not a little bit.

This is why I used to ignore most emotion regulation strategies—they didn’t provide the immense relief I was craving.

But I’ve since realized that a little bit of relief is so, so much more helpful than no relief.

Because that little bit helps create space between my core self and the big, all-consuming emotion, and that space is the difference between being completely fused with the emotion and witnessing the emotion.

When I’m fused with the emotion, it tends to drive my behavior because the emotion and I are one, careening through time and space, doing and saying things we regret.

But when I’m witnessing the emotion, it’s easier to respond to it rather than react.

It’s not easy. Hard emotions are still very hard. But this space means they’re less likely to dictate my actions because my core self has a chance to show up and make more intentional decisions.

SO all of this being said, here are the short- and long-term emotion regulation strategies that tend to work for me, even if it’s just a teeny tiny bit.

Short-term strategies for when the emotion is happening RIGHT NOW!

Please don’t view these strategies as a way to make you feel better but instead as a way to create space between your core self and emotion.

When we expect a strategy to make us feel better, we only feel disappointed and hopeless when it doesn’t.

The bad news is, painful emotions are going to feel painful no matter what we do. But the good news is, these strategies can help reduce their intensity and make it easier to find your baseline again.

Engage your senses

Sensory input gives you something immediate to process that ISN’T the huge emotion. Things like chewing gum (especially if it has a really strong flavor) and splashing cold water on your face can interrupt the all-consuming quality of the emotion just enough to make you feel a little more separate from it.

It can also help to notice what you see: that door is brown, your dog is sleeping over there, that blanket is yellow. This can help ground you in the present moment, creating a bit of space between you and the emotion.

Move your body

Sometimes when we’re flooded, our bodies freeze while the emotion builds and builds and builds. So moving even a tiny bit, like standing up and stretching or puttering around the house, can help your body metabolize some of that adrenaline and activation, reducing the emotion’s intensity (somewhat :)

Go outside

Going outside lets your brain/body exit the exact context where the emotion started escalating. And the light, air, sounds, temperature, and space give your nervous system new information to orient to, which can make the feeling slightly less consuming and give your core self a better chance of showing up.

Dump out your thoughts and feelings

This is what I use most often. When thoughts and feelings stay trapped in an ADHD brain, they often multiply and tangle and feel more catastrophic. Dumping them into a voice memo or note makes it easier to see their shape and find more perspective.

Label the feeling knowing it will subside

Naming the feeling helps you witness it instead of becoming it. A simple “I’m feeling rejected” or “I’m feeling embarrassed” can really help create that little bit of space, and you can use that space to remind yourself that feelings typically peak then recede, so this intensity is very likely to calm down with a bit of time.

Lower the stakes of the next few minutes

When I’m really dysregulated, my brain turns into an urgent little troll waving a catastrophic flag and demanding that I do something RIGHT NOW. But this troll can’t be trusted because he’s all emotion with no logic to be found. So sometimes it helps to tell myself, “For the next 10 minutes, my only job is to not respond or react to what’s happening because I can’t trust what my brain is telling me right now.”

Slow down

Literally, slow down. When we’re heightened, everything feels really urgent and tense. When we physically slow down our body, be that eating slowly or getting up slowly or whatever, it reduces the physical momentum that makes the emotion feel like it needs a response RIGHT NOW.

Breathe out longer than you breathe in

I tend to resist breathing advice because it can feel so dismissive when you’re already upset, but I’d be lying if I said this doesn’t help me. When our emotions are huge, our breathing tends to get shallow and fast, which makes everything feel more urgent. Making your exhales a little longer than your inhales can help activate your parasympathetic nervous system, which slows your heart rate and lowers some of the physical urgency that makes big emotions feel so intense.

Long-term strategies

These things aren’t great for triage (i.e. I don’t recommend trying to meditate when your emotions are at a 10), but they’re amazing for lowering overall reactivity with time.

MEDITATE, SORRY!!!!

I know. I KNOW. I hate that this helps because it’s annoying and hard to do, especially in the beginning, but it has helped me so, so much. Probably more than anything because it’s literally direct practice for feeling/thinking something without immediately reacting to it. Over time, that makes it easier to bring myself back down when I feel upset, even when I’m not meditating.

And there are relatively ADHD-friendly ways to practice meditation and mindfulness that don’t include sitting silently for hours. I wrote about them here.

Move your body regularly

First she mentions meditation, now she’s mentioning exercise. What’s next, JOURNALING? (yes, sorry). I regret to inform you that exercise really helps me feel more stable and energized day to day. To keep my ADHD self returning to it, I look for activities that are FUN, like roller skating and aerial silks and walking through the woods with my dogs, and when those feel stale, I search for something else. I put my hobby hunting skills to good use here!

Literally any kind of regular movement, whether that’s slow walks or dancing or weightlifting, can be of service here.

Journal/brain dump

Journaling gives my emotions somewhere to go before they explode all over my life. It helps me notice patterns, process what I’m feeling, and separate problems from the extra layers of shame, panic, rejection, and urgency that can attach themselves to ‘em.

But I keep it very casual and informal (otherwise I won’t do it), and I don’t let myself edit or re-read anything. I approach it like a stream of consciousness. Whatever wants to come out, comes out, God help us all.

Rest!

When I’m under-rested, every feeling is bigger, closer, and harder to manage. And my brain troll gets VERY loud, screaming about what a piece of shit I am. But when I’m well-rested, a frustrating moment is more likely to feel like a frustrating moment instead of a full-on emergency I need to react to RIGHT NOW.

So I treat rest like any other obligation and I ruthlessly protect it because, ultimately, when I rest before I hit a wall, I’m more regulated and can show up for myself, my people, and my work more fully and sustainably.

Put boundaries around people and environments that feel shitty

Some people and environments make me feel more regulated, spacious, and like myself. And some absolutely do not. Practicing paying attention to who/what makes you feel good and putting boundaries around the things that don’t can help you feel less emotionally heightened in general because you’re not constantly bracing, recovering, masking, and trying to stay okay in situations that tax you.

Say no to things and plan for 50%-you instead of 100%-you

Overcommitting makes me way more reactive because I’m constantly operating too close to my limit, especially given how much ADHD energy ebbs and flows.

Saying no to some plans when you’re already tired can prevent burnout and help you show up more readily and sustainably for future plans. And planning for 50%-you instead of 100%-you gives you more margin and capacity for unexpected stressors, which means they have less power to completely bury you.

Notice early warning signs

I’m much better at managing emotions when I catch them before they hit a 10. For me, early signs look like an increased heart rate, getting snippy, and feeling increased urgency. When I notice those signs, on my best days, I take it as a cue to step back, slow down, eat a snack, or do something regulating so my nervous system has time to come back to baseline before I make any decisions.

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Your brain goblin may think this is controversial, but even if you’re avoiding something you don’t want to do, like submitting expense reports, that’s often not procrastination either.

It’s, again, executive dysfunction.

This distinction is important because when we identify as procrastinators, it becomes harder to do everything.

It makes us believe we’re struggling because we’re Bad Adults. And when we believe that, we stop looking for ways to make things easier because we don’t believe it’s possible. Instead, we berate ourselves for not being able to “just do it.”

To be fair, if it were regular degular procrastination, “just do it” is actually reasonable advice because it means we have the mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual resources needed to do the thing, we’re just choosing not to because meh.

But with executive dysfunction, “just do it” is garbage advice because we’re not simply choosing not to do it. More often, we’re struggling because something about it is hard to approach.

Maybe the task is too vague or feels too much like a high-pressure demand. Maybe the first step is secretly 12 steps but your brain hasn’t realized that so it just sees it as a nebulous blob with no edges to grab onto. Maybe it requires decisions you haven’t made yet or intellectual or emotional bandwidth you can’t access right now.

I actually like that sometimes ADHDers “procrastinate” things we genuinely enjoy because it makes it crystal clear that executive dysfunction is a real thing, and it has nothing to do with us being willful, petulant, or lazy. This is helpful counter evidence we can present when the brain goblin tries to gaslight us into thinking otherwise.

That said, I also hate it.

Because what do you MEAN I finally have free time to do a hobby I love or watch a great movie and instead of doing it, I sit frozen in a purgatory of self-punishment, trying to will myself to move toward THE THING I WANT TO DO.

It’s madness.

Why this happens

There are a few different reasons ADHDers “procrastinate” things we want to do:

1. Sometimes we’re stuck at initiation

A lot of the time, an activity only becomes fun once we’re already inside it. If we still have to choose the project, gather the supplies, clear the space, remember where we left off, and transition out of whatever we’re currently doing, that’s a lot steps and executive dysfunction we have to overcome before we get to the thing, which can be especially challenging for a burnt out and overwhelmed ADHD brain.

2. Sometimes the first few minutes suck

Even if we manage to start doing the thing, often, the first few minutes suck. Reading may feel amazing once we’re absorbed, but the first few pages can feel like trying to shove a whole universe of thoughts through a teeny tiny hole. Knitting might feel good once we’ve settled in, but when we first sit down, our brain is still vibrating, telling us about everything we’re not doing because we’re doing this instead.

So we may avoid the thing because we’re anticipating the struggle of those first few minutes.

3. Sometimes it becomes a demand

When something we love becomes the plan, our brain may start treating it like an obligation. Suddenly it’s not “I get to read tonight,”; it’s “I should read tonight because I said I would, and I need to prove I’m a person who follows through.”

And once it becomes a high-pressure demand, even if self-imposed, the whole thing can start to feel heavier and less accessible because it’s no longer something we’re doing for fun; it’s something we’re doing to prove that we’re serious, consistent, or otherwise Worthy with a capital W.

4. Sometimes we’re too tired

If we’ve spent the day pushing through tasks that required heavy executive function, then by the time we get to the thing we actually want to do, we have nothing left for it. Even the stuff we enjoy often requires attention, presence, choice, coordination, creativity, and frustration tolerance. And when we’re fried, it can feel like one more tiring obligation sitting there with its little hands out.

5. Sometimes our expectations are too high

When we've been looking forward to something all week, we often develop an expectation that doing it will feel so frickin’ amazing. Life affirming, even! But when the time to do it actually rolls around, some part of our brain feels like it’s not or won’t be as good as we imagined it or it’s not the exact right time or mood, so we lose our enthusiasm for it.

Cool, so how do I do things I enjoy????

Hi, it’s me again, saying the same thing I always say, which is that I’m unaware of a foolproof way to fix this. But there are practices that make it easier.

Here are some things I do to make it easier to connect with the things I enjoy.

I lower the cost of initiation

Generally, the closer and more accessible the things I want to do are, the easier it is for me to do them. So when I’m deep in a yoga phase, I keep the yoga mat rolled out on the floor. If I want to crochet, I keep my current project in a bag with everything I need for it so I don’t have to go on a bunch of little side quests before I begin. The less friction between me and the thing, the more likely I am to do it.

I lower the demand

Things we enjoy are supposed to be fun! Demands? NOT FUN! (This is a Summer House reference my fellow Bravo heads)

So to lower the demand, I don’t tell myself I need to read for an hour, finish a whole project, or become a Woman Who Is Excellent at Leisure and casually paints a masterpiece at golden hour.

I tell myself I’m gonna read one page or doodle with watercolors badly or spend a few minutes relaxing with something fun. This lowers the demand and pressure around the thing, which makes it easier to approach and sink into.

I expect the first few minutes to be uncomfortable

Speaking of sinking in, if I expect the thing to immediately be fun, then I feel very deflated and demotivated when it’s almost always not. So now, I anticipate that the first few minutes will be a little uncomfortable while my brain and body settle into what I’m doing.

Simply knowing this can help me get through those moments because I’m not interpreting the discomfort as a sign that I don’t actually want to do the thing AND I know it usually fades and eventually turns into something fun. It’s just the transition tax I have to pay before I get to enjoyment.

I reward myself before I start

Sometimes I reward myself before I start as a way to create a gentler, dopamine-fueled on-ramp to the thing.

So I might make a fancy, yummy tea before I read or put on a comfort show while I crochet. Or turn on a playlist I like to rev me up to get started. This gives my brain an immediate reward while I’m moving toward the often slower but highly nourishing reward of doing an activity I enjoy.

I don’t wait for the exact right mood

In general, motivation almost always follows action, meaning we have to move before we feel motivated. So waiting until I properly feel like doing the thing I enjoy often keeps me waiting for a lifetime because I usually don’t get in the mood for it until after I start doing it.

Knowing that helps me release the expectation that it will be instantly fun and makes it slightly easier to move toward because I know fun is often waiting on the other side.

I practice disentangling fun things from my worth and identity

The more I turn something I enjoy into proof that I’m creative, disciplined, healed, interesting, consistent, or properly using my free time, the harder it becomes to approach because now the thing is demanding that I better do it right or I’m a big fucking loser!

How fun!

Instead of that, I practice reminding myself over and over that doing a thing doesn’t need to be proof that I’m a well-regulated adult woman with excellent leisure habits. In fact, treating it that way makes it harder to be said woman.

Instead, the thing can just be a thing I touch for a little while because I like it. Not only can it be; dare I say, it should be.

I rest liberally

ADHD brains often spend enormous energy on basic self-management, filtering distractions, regulating emotions, tracking time, making decisions, masking, and forcing focus. So even when the day doesn’t look “that hard” from the outside, our nervous system is often doing a ton of invisible labor. And we need to recover from it if we want to have any energy left for the things we enjoy!

So now I give myself full permission to rest before I’m fully depleted.

I protect rest the same way I protect all my other needs and obligations, otherwise I struggle to enjoy anything about my life at all. And this feels very important when I consider that we’re all going to die.

I also make most plans for 50%-me instead of 100%-me so I don’t steadily burn myself into the ground with a packed schedule and still have some attention, patience, and energy left for the things I enjoy.

By now, you may be thinking: okay, that’s great and all for the things I want to do, but how do I do the things I don’t enjoy but have to do. In which case, you can check out this post: How to make things easier with ADHD

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There are some seasons when reading feels impossible. When I pick up a book and just start vibrating, re-reading the same paragraph over and over, wondering how I ever did this for fun. And that’s if I can even get myself to open one.

But when I’m in a comfortable reading season? Man, there’s nothing I’d rather do than bury myself in my three dogs, surround myself with snacks, and sink into a great book. Not only does it provide the rare, powerful combination of being both regulating and stimulating, but when I’m reading regularly, I always feel like it’s easier to focus even when I’m not reading.

It’s like reading helps me strengthen my focus muscle.

But when I’m out of practice, it feels harder and harder, and my books become increasingly tough to reach for. Then my inner goblin starts hissing that I no longer have the ability to read like I used to. Or worse, that I must not be a reader.

HA! Joke’s on you, goblin, because I spent the morning reading, which can only be done by a READER!

Tips for maintaining a reading habit with ADHD

Even though I know I’m a reader who enjoys reading on my best days, I also know the moment I fall out of a reading habit again (which I will) Gobby McGoblin will make it extra hard to touch a book again.

So over the years, I’ve come up with different ways to stay connected to reading even as my habit, energy, and motivation for it ebbs and flows, and even when my brain goblin tries to convince me it’s pointless.

Here are some things that work for me:

I start small

The first thing I do is the same thing I suggest for many ADHD challenges, which is start smaller than my brain thinks I should.

In other words, I don’t try to force myself to read a whole chapter or even read for 20 minutes. Instead, I aim for a page or two. Or two minutes a time.

If I haven’t read for a while, I’m out of practice. Reading a page or two at a time reintroduces the habit to my brain without overwhelming it. And reducing the pressure and demand makes it much easier to relax and focus.

The more I practice, the easier it becomes to read more, then a little more.

But beware: Your brain goblin might try to convince you that it will always feel this uncomfortable, but I promise promise promise it feels easier and more natural with practice.

I get a delicious book

I take that back. The first thing I actually do is get a DELICIOUS book. If I’ve been out of practice, trying to get my brain to read something dense, difficult, or self-improvement-focused is super tough.

At this moment, the goal is not to optimize my life or turn myself into a better person. It’s just to like reading again.

So I give myself full permission to choose a delicious, juicy page-turner that’s likely to sweep me up in its story and give my brain a vacation from the hellscape that is the U.S. right now.

I remember being in the throes of depression many years ago and somehow Gone Girl fell into my lap. I devoured that book during a time when focus otherwise felt impossible.

Of course, what’s delicious for me (a thriller with twisty turns) isn’t necessarily delicious for you, so let yourself pick whatever feels like a treat instead of an assignment.

I let myself quit books

ADHDers often feel ashamed because we struggle to “stick to” things, which can cause us to try desperately to keep doing something even if it’s not aligned with our interests, goals, or desires.

So many of us will pick up a book, get bored by it, then really struggle to read it because ADHDers have an interest-based nervous system that can make boring things feel impossible to approach. But because we carry shame about not finishing things, we struggle to officially quit it and start a different one.

This means we’re stuck not reading the boring book and not picking up a new one, waving goodbye to our hard-earned reading habit altogether.

Instead, I’m begging you to give yourself permission to quit books you’re not into. Ultimately this helps me stick to reading far more than attempting to slog through a book that’s lost its spark for whatever reason.

My personal rule is if I’m not into a book by page 60 or 70, I’m putting it down.

I know lots of books get better after that point, and I’ve no doubt walked away from some that I would’ve enjoyed had I stuck with them, but I don’t want to risk my whole reading habit by taking that gamble.

Side note: I’m thinking of writing a whole post on the value of quitting, especially as it pertains to ADHDers. Let me know if that seems interesting to you??

I pick my next book before I finish my current one

ADHDers often experience decision paralysis, so trying to pick our next book can overwhelm us because there are so many options, so sometimes we freeze and lose sight of the habit.

That’s why I always make a point to pick the next thing I want to read before I finish what I’m currently reading.

THAT SAID, sometimes I finish the book and am no longer interested in the other book I chose, in which case, I allow myself to pick something else. Does this mean I still get stuck in decision paralysis sometimes? Yes. But it happens less often, which is the goal here.

In pretty much all things, I’m aiming for harm reduction over perfection.

I COUNT AUDIOBOOKS

If I’m consuming a book, whether that’s by sitting down and reading it or by puttering around and listening to it, I’m still consuming a book. So I fully count it as reading.

And because I fully count it, I now have choices about how to read a book, which my ADHD brain craves.

AND one of those choices often feels much more accessible depending on how I’m feeling, which means I’m more inclined to do it more often.

I track it

I use StoryGraph to keep track of books I’ve read and want to read.

It’s a free app that helps me visualize my reading habits and progress. It also categorizes books based on factors like how slow- or fast-paced they are, which my ADHD loves.

Keeping track like this gives me more motivation to read because a visual stack of titles I've finished is proof I did the thing. And when my brain tries to convince me I’m not a reader, I can present it with hard evidence to the contrary.

It also turns reading into something I can play with. I set little goals, watch the genres I'm gravitating toward, and notice patterns I'd otherwise miss. My ADHD like-y games and data!

I assume the identity of a reader

I call myself a reader.

Even when I haven’t read in book in forever, I still call myself a reader because I am a reader.

Assuming the reader identity helps me move toward books instead of waiting to feel like reading first.

It makes picking up a book feel like returning to something that’s already mine instead of starting from scratch every time.

This is one of many reasons I encourage ADHDers to focus on getting consistent with returns rather than rigid daily consistency.

Each time you return to reading after a break, you’re being consistent. The more returns you have, the more consistent you are. Thinking about it this way can take the pressure off the streak and put it back on the practice. A streak breaks the second you miss a day. A return practice gets stronger every time you come back.

It also makes a break from reading feel like part of the process instead of evidence you've failed, which makes it easier to get back to.

My ADHD brain during the day: Meh, you don’t need to do this right now. What if you do nothing instead?

It’s no secret that ADHDers experience big swings in energy and motivation, and they’re often highly apparent when comparing the night version of us to the day version of us.

The nighttime-ADHDer is ready to conquer the whole world tomorrow. We’re making plans, creating to-do lists, and promising ourselves that tomorrow we will be an entirely different person than the one who lives in our body!

Then daytime-ADHDer wakes up feeling like a potato, wondering who the fuck that was last night, keeping us up with all of its promises.

This steep swing from “I’m gonna make progress toward all my goals!!” to “I can barely move” can be more than a little deflating. It also does a number on our self-trust, threatening to make us feel like we can’t take ourselves seriously.

This leads to shame, which makes it even harder to do things, so nighttime-us makes an even longer to-do list and daytime-us is even more deflated and ashamed.

Why does this happen???

This can happen for a few different reasons. For starters, ADHDers have an interest-based nervous system, which means, due to dopamine regulation differences, we often need tasks to be interesting, novel, urgent, or challenging to feel motivated to do them.

At night, when we’re lying in bed imagining the version of ourselves who finally answers every email and deep-cleans the bathroom, that imagined version of our plans is thrilling. The idea feels nice and stimulating because it’s full of novelty and possibility, all without having to actually do the thing. So we feel inspired to make all the plans.

Then we wake up with an overwhelming to-do list and a big pile of promises we struggle to keep.

ADHDers also tend to delay sleep.

At night, the demands of the day are done. No one needs anything from us. And in that stillness, we finally have the mental space to think about our lives, which means we also have the mental space to catalog everything we haven’t done and everything we want to change.

So we go to bed wired on ambition and wake up with a hangover of obligations.

Daytime-us didn’t agree to any of these new plans! And now we feel like shit because daytime-us is enduring the reality of navigating meetings, errands, texts, decisions, and sensory input, which make the plans nighttime-us made feel impossible.

By the time the day is winding down, daytime-us is spent, so we hand the mic to nighttime-us once again, who is ready to go feral with a Notes app to make up even more for what daytime-us didn’t do.

Cool, so what do I do about it?

If you’ve been a subscriber for a while, then you might be sick of me saying some version of: I don’t have a foolproof solution to this, but there are some practices that help.

I say it in pretty much every post because so many people are selling some ADHD hack or framework that promises to fix everything, and I want to be clear I’m not because I don’t think those things are real. And when we apply them and still struggle, we just feel worse.

The truth is, there’s rarely a foolproof fix for any of this. BUT there are definitely practices that make it easier, and the more you practice, the easier it becomes to manage.

Make fewer plans

The temptation to make all the plans is strong. Planning can feel so good, especially to an ADHD brain, because we get to imagine a better future without any of the struggle of actually doing the thing.

But the plans we make in that state often don’t account for the logistical, interpersonal, sensory, and emotional chaos the next day will decide to throw at us.

So instead of making all the plans for tomorrow, pick a few basic things you’d like to move forward on the next day. Try not to get too detailed or regimented about exactly how and when they happen so that daytime-you has some flexibility and choice, which ADHDers tend to respond to better than rigidity.

Daytime-you can always do more if you have it in you, but this way you won’t be as overwhelmed, stressed, and deflated by a huge list. And without all that stress and pressure, it’s much, much easier to do things.

Give daytime-you the authority

Nighttime-you is ambitious and optimistic, but daytime-you actually has to do the things, so let daytime-you lead! If you wake up like a potato, give yourself full permission to change plans and focus only on the bare minimum.

Full permission here is key.

Because if you spend the day hoping or expecting yourself to do things that you simply don’t have the capacity for, it creates more stress and pressure that makes it harder to do anything at all.

So as soon as you realize you don’t have it in you, intentionally release yourself from those expectations so you can create space to do the things you do have capacity for.

Give nighttime-you some permission to do things

A lot of us feel like doing things at night is somehow against the rules of being a Proper Adult. The invisible script says we should do things during the day, but lots of people feel more clear and energized at night, so give yourself permission to take care of things whenever they feel doable.

If you have some energy for task planning at night, use some of it to get a few things done or to pave the way for tomorrow’s plans to happen.

Maybe you check off a couple to-dos that have been nagging at you, or you stage for the things you want to do tomorrow to make those things easier, like laying out your workout clothes, pulling up a document you want to work on the next day, or opening your notebook on the kitchen table so morning-you walks into a scene that's already halfway set up.

Just take care not to turn this into working until 4 AM. This is a great time for micro tasks and staging to make things easier to connect with tomorrow, but probably not a great time to change your whole life.

Create an options menu

ADHDers often feel very averse to demands. Demands create pressure and reduce our sense of autonomy, which the ADHD brain is especially sensitive to, so it often shuts us down rather than motivates us.

But when we give ourselves some choice and flexibility, the plans feel less demanding and more like intentional decisions.

That’s why I like to create an options menu to accompany my to-do list.

My to-do list only contains what I absolutely must do, and because of that, it’s relatively short, which helps with overwhelm.

And my options menu is an ongoing list of things that would be nice to move the needle on, but they are by no means demands. If I have the energy for them, great. If not, also great!

Taking this approach often gives me more energy and motivation to do stuff on the options list because, again, demanding less from myself reduces pressure and makes it easier to move forward.

Remember that you don’t have to make up for yourself

A lot of the big promises ADHDers make to ourselves stem from feeling like we have to overcompensate for who we are. We make big, ambitious plans to prove to ourselves and others just how worthy and capable we are.

I’m begging you to challenge that idea regularly. You are not a problem to be solved, and you are not a walking deficit that has to be offset by doing 86 things before noon tomorrow.

The practice here is noticing when nighttime-you is making plans from a place of shame versus desire.

Plans from desire feel expansive, light, and curious. Plans from shame feel frantic, urgent, and tight. When you catch yourself in the frantic version, take a beat to ask: am I planning these things because I want to do them or because I feel like I have to do them to be worthy?

If it’s the latter, maybe you can let that plan go for now.

You don’t have to earn your own existence on this planet, no matter what the shame goblin tells you. The plans you make can be in service of the life you want rather than the person you think you “should” be.

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